Child Sleep Blog - Dana's Blog

Should I feed my baby before bed?

2008-07-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

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And if you have a question about your child's sleep, use the form below. I'll choose one question every week, and answer here on my blog!

Why Can't Someone ELSE Put My Child To Bed?!

2008-06-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you'd rather read than watch, I've transcribed the text of this video below.

Want your own copy of "The Sleep Sense Program?" You can order yours here, or click here for more information!

This week’s question comes from Cassandra who writes:

“My three-year-old will not go to bed unless I am the one who does bedtime. She screams if her Dad or Grandma tries it. What can I do?”

First of all Cassandra, there are a few extra strategies we can try with a three-year-old. One would be to make a chart to use before bed; just as simple as a calendar up on her wall by the bed with alternating pictures of Mommy and Daddy. Each night, she can go and look to see who is putting her to bed. You really do need to alternate, so that one night is you, the next night is dad, and so on. It’s important for her to know that the rules are the same no matter who puts her to bed. You do not want it to cause anxiety if you are out of the house for the night - you might like to go away at some point and it would be great if grandma could put her to bed as well. You do want her to feel comfortable enough with other people putting her to bed.

You have not said exactly what you do once she is in bed but I am going to assume that she falls asleep with you. I am guessing she falls asleep with you in the room or maybe it is just as simple as she just wants you to do the bath, jammies and the stories, and she will not let anyone else do that. You can also do the reward system. Again, very simple because she is only three and it also help to write these rules/rewards down and post them. It is something visible that the child can look at even though they cannot actually read it. Keep it very simple such as “Abby cooperates with bedtime when daddy does it and she gets a sticker” - really anything that is somewhat rewarding to your child.

On a scale of one to 10 (with 10 being the best reward and one being nothing special), you want the reward to fall maybe around a seven to eight. You do not want it to be the best thing ever because them you really have nowhere to go with it. But it should be rewarding enough that it is motivation for her to cooperate. You could use rewards for the steps of your bedtime routine. For every step, she gets a sticker. If she was cooperating in the bath with dad, she gets a sticker. If she was cooperating through getting pajamas on with dad, she gets a sticker…through stories, a sticker, an so on. That can just be a nice positive way to spin it, so that is something to look forward to and something to work towards. It will also make having dad put her to bed a bit more fun! If she puts up some protest when it is his night, you really should not let that sway you. Toddlers are certainly night watchmen. They go around testing all the doors but they do not really want them to open. If she puts up a fuss because it is dad’s turn and you give into it then that sort of sends her the message that she is the one in control of this and that is actually a fairly scary place for a toddler to be.

If she resists, you have got to persevere through it regardless. If it is dad’s night, it is dad’s night. You can give her choice in other ways. Maybe you lay out two sets of pajamas and she can pick which one she wants. Perhaps you have four stories laid out and she can pick two. That way she sort of feels like she has some say in the whole bedtime process but it is choice within a controlled environment. Ultimately, you are the guide through bedtime. So you have got to keep the reigns. You have got to give her a little bit of choice within the routine but you really have to show her that it does not matter who puts her to bed. It has got to be the same for everybody.

Good luck with that Cassandra and thank you for your question.

Sleep well!

(If you'd like to learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here -- or you can click here to order now!)

And if you have a question about your child's sleep, use the form below. I'll choose one question every week, and answer here on my blog!

Our Baby Wakes Every Hour... HELP!

2008-06-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

Click on the 'Play' button above to start video!

Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you'd rather read than watch, I've transcribed the text of this video below.

Want your own copy of "The Sleep Sense Program?" You can order yours here, or click here for more information!

This week’s question comes from Abdullah who writes:

“Our strong willed daughter is 21 months old and she wakes almost every hour and cries for us to pick her up and rock her back to sleep. Some nights, this will not even work and she forces us to put her in bed with us where she still requires more rocking and humming. My wife is pregnant again so we really want Asia to sleep all night in her crib.”

I can understand why you want her in her crib sleeping all night especially with a new baby on the way. It is actually very common for people to seek some advice when a new baby is on the way.

First of all, I wanted to have a quick look at your wording in this. I know it is hard when a baby does not sleep well. We say things like “She just would not…” or “She makes us…” Even adults say “I just cannot sleep unless I have my earplugs in.” or “I cannot sleep unless the fan is going”. The truth is that you can sleep without those things but you have just told yourself that you cannot. If you do not have them, it is going to cause you a little bit of anxiety. That anxiety is going to make it a little harder to get to sleep but if you are tired enough, you are going to sleep. You body needs sleep and will override everything that is going on in your mind and you will sleep.

Your daughter can sleep without rocking. You are the parent and so you have to remember that with bedtime and sleep, you are the boss. I have a two-year-old as well so I know how strong willed they can be when they really want something. You have got to set some clear boundaries for her so that she knows that you are the one that is in charge and she is the child. She will actually feel reassured by that. If a toddler has too much control, they usually feel a bit insecure about that so setting up some clear boundaries for her is really going to help.

If you want her to be in her own crib you have got to start there. You need a bedtime routine. Make sure there are about four or five steps laid out that are the same every night. She has a bath. She gets her pajamas on. She has some story time and then she goes into the crib awake. I would just stop all rocking. You can have some kisses and cuddles but no more rocking. That is her strategy for getting herself to sleep. She needs to say goodbye to that strategy and hello to something that is all her own.

Into the crib awake and to make a little bit of an easier transition for her I would suggest the stay in the room method that is outlined for toddlers in the Sleep Sense Program. That will allow you or your wife to stay present with her to be supportive. She is going to protest the change for sure. She is two. She is going to make her wants known and so you have got to be calm and supportive but you still have to show her that the crib is where she needs to be sleeping and doing it herself is also what she needs to be doing.

You could include something to give her a little bit of help. You could pick a stuffed toy of some kind. A teddy or a duck could do or whatever you want to choose; something small and cuddly. Maybe a special blanket that then becomes her sleeping blanket. If children have to practice a new strategy of getting themselves to sleep, they will often look for things within their own environment that offer comfort. Then a stuffed toy of some kind or a blanket will often become part of the strategy. You might see her eventually hugging the teddy or stroking the blanket to her cheek. She will just start figuring out ways that she can comfort herself within her own environment.

For every night waking, you will have to do the same thing. Go back and be with her, allowing her to fall asleep again in that crib. I would not bring her to bed with you at any point because you will just give her incentive to keep trying. I would not even have morning cuddles or anything like that in bed for now. A few months down the road, when she is sleeping on her own in her crib and she wants to come in for a morning cuddle and hug, that is fine. For now, best to steer clear of your bed.

Another thing to keep in mind Abdullah is that when the new baby comes, you can probably be pretty sure that she is going to test some boundaries again. Usually, a toddler’s reaction to a new baby is the regression in either sleep or potty training so when the baby comes just be cautious and careful about how you handle her bedtime. Chances are she will put up a bit of resistance around going to bed or sleeping through the night. She may want to come back to your bed again all of a sudden but you have got to be very clear about the boundaries for that. They should not budge. You have got to be careful that you do not let little things slide or pretty soon you can step back all the way back to the beginning and you will have to do this all over again.

So ease her insecurities around a new baby in other ways. Plan a special trip with just mommy and her. Just make sure that you are spending good time with her throughout the day so by the time bedtime rolls around, she is going to sleep in the bed in a cooperative way.

Thanks a lot for your question. Good luck with your two-year-old and sleep well!

(If you'd like to learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here -- or you can click here to order now!)

And if you have a question about your child's sleep, use the form below. I'll choose one question every week, and answer here on my blog!

Rocking Your Baby To Sleep?

2008-05-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program.

This week’s question comes from Heidi, who writes:

“I have to rock Dakota to sleep and she has a soother. If I put her to bed awake, she cries. She also wakes up every night about 3:00 a.m. What can I do?”

Okay Heidi, first of all I want you to have a look at on how you get yourself to sleep every night. Most people are very habitual about their nighttime environment. We do a little routine before bed as we get ready. The things we do once we climb into bed tend to be the same every night, whether it is that you are always on the same side or you’ve got your own pillow; perhaps you need to have a glass of water by your bed, keep the window open or use earplugs. Whatever the case may be, those are your strategies for sleep; those are things that help you make that transition from being awake to going to sleep.

For example, people do not tend to sleep well if they are in a hotel or staying at friends for the night. We do not like a lot of change; we do not like a lot of surprises with our sleep environment. What Dakota has done is created sleep strategies that involve you rocking her to sleep and involve sucking on a soother to sleep. I call those “externalized sleep strategies”, meaning that she relies on something external, whether it is the rocking or the soother or a bottle. It is all externalized and nothing is internalized, in the sense that she does not think that she has the power to get herself to sleep. She needs to rely on these other things. So where you need to start is to have Dakota figure out what her strategies are that are all her own, so that they do not rely on you or anything external. They are all her own.

Once she has figured out those strategies, she will become a great sleeper and those skills will grow with her as she turns into a toddler, turns into a school aged child. But we have to help her figure out what those skills are. So the hard part is getting her from the rocking to finding her own skills. The only way you can to do that through practice. That means doing a set routine every night so that you set the stage and you key her body that bedtime is coming. Maybe start with the bath, get her pajamas on, brush her teeth and have a feeding if that is part of the routine. Make sure she stays awake though all these steps because you do not want to cue her that it is actually time to sleep yet

That is what happens when she gets to the crib and you have got to put her into that crib awake. Yes, she is going to protest because you are making changes to her environment, just like you would feel some anxiety if I changed up how you got yourself to sleep. But until she practices enough so she learns the skills herself, she is going to put up a bit of a resistance to this.

Now, you do not have to leave. I always think, if I am teaching my sons new skills like swimming for example, I do not just throw them in the deep end and run for it. I get them lessons, I encourage them, I support them through the process but the skill of swimming is theirs to master.

I cannot do that part for them and so you have to keep that in the back of your mind as you start this process. I suggest you try the stay in the room method that is outlined in the program that allows you to be supportive and to be encouraging while still allowing you child to find her own skills. The nice part about staying in the room is that you get to see what those skills are. In a few nights, she could be hugging her teddy and going to sleep or twirling her hair to get herself to sleep or getting into a favorite position and drifting off to sleep. Those skills will emerge because she has had a chance to practice them and that will put an end to the rocking and it will also put an end to the 3:00 clock waking because if she has any wake ups in the night, it is not a problem. She knows how to get herself right back to sleep again and so she will do that; she will start handling these things on her own. My suggestion Heidi, would be to get started right away. Help Dakota find the skills she needs to become a great sleeper.

Thanks for your question & sleep well!

(If you'd like to learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here -- or you can click here to order now!)

And if you have a question about your child's sleep, use the form below. I'll choose one question every week, and answer here on my blog!

Holiday Travel and Your Child's Sleep

2007-12-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Meagan, who writes:

My husband and I have tried your sleep methods since last Tuesday and I am happy to say that for the first time in eight months I have had a full night’s sleep. However, we are going on holidays in a month’s time and we do not want to lose the routine or the schedule we have. Rohan will be sleeping in the same hotel room as us and not in his own bed like he does at home. We would really appreciate your advice.

Traveling is a common road block and it can really derail the progress parents have made. There are a few things you need to keep in mind when you travel and probably the most important thing is to be careful that you do not over-schedule yourselves.

I know it is hard when there is so much to see and do when you are on a holiday, but you really need to put your baby’s sleeping needs first. Do not do things like skipping naps, or pushing bed time really late. Once or twice will not be the end of the world, but if it’s everyday, and he is only getting car seat naps or the occasional stroller nap and a late bedtime, he can become so over tired that he just totally forgets how to do this himself.

He may work himself into such a state that he cries a lot and parents are sensitive to the fact that they are in a hotel -- they do not want to wake up the neighbors! It is easy to revert back into the old familiar patterns and within a few nights, you can undo all the progress you have made.

Parents should try to honor the child's schedule. Keep your routines pretty consistent as well; if he has a bedtime routine, you want to keep that the same. Since you are all going to be in the same hotel room, remember that most hotels will rent you or loan you a portable crib.

He should definitely be in his own crib if he is used to that at home. You might even want to consider finding a hotel room that has a suite option. My kids go to bed at 7:00 and I always think “What am I going to do in a hotel room when my kids are all in bed at 7:00? I will just have to sit in the dark.” Getting a two-room suite is a good idea because at least he can go to bed at 7:00 when he needs to, and you and your husband can still do things together.

The general rule in this situation is that you will just have to put him in his own space and be as quiet as you can and hope that he gets some sleep.

I hope this helps keep you on track through your holidays.

Enjoy yourselves and sleep well!

(If you'd like to learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here -- or you can click here to order now!)

And if you have a question about your child's sleep, use the form below. I'll choose one question every week, and answer here on my blog!

How Can I Stop Nursing My Child Back To Sleep At Night?

2007-11-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Danielle who writes:

My 13-month-old falls asleep on her own when I first put her to bed but then wakes during the night and screams unless I get her and nurse her back to sleep. How do I get her to put herself back to sleep during the night?

That’s a great question Danielle and it is actually a fairly common problem that children have. The good news is that you have tackled the main issue, which is getting her to fall asleep on her own. It sounds to me like she is capable of using her own skills to put herself to sleep at bedtime but through the night, she has a different association in place. This can be fairly common in that a baby puts themselves to sleep at bedtime but then is nursed back to sleep in the middle of the night. Therefore, they will wake up through the night expecting you to nurse them back to sleep.

Congratulations on getting her to fall asleep! Now, you are going to have to work on what happens through the night. I would either do the stay in the room method (outlined in the Sleep Sense Program) or a variation of leaving and checking on her. Definitely pull the a night feeds, but the only way to do that is cold turkey. If you try to wean her or just nurse once during the night, you will find that she wakes up all over the place. It’s then likely she’ll be crying for long periods of time, waiting for that “magic time” where you are going to nurse her.

If you are not totally comfortable pulling the feeds cold turkey, you could just go down to one but you have to have to keep her awake through the nurse. Go in, get her up, feed her quickly and business like. Keep her awake (poke her, tickle her, talk to her) through the feed and then put her back into the crib awake. That way, she will probably start disassociating the nursing with the getting back to sleep part and she might stop waking up for the nursing because it is not really getting her back to sleep anyway. You should still be expecting her to do that part on her own. So the two choices there are to pull the feeds cold turkey, (which would be my best advice) or cut down to just one, keeping her awake then back to the crib and that will probably solve your problem.

Thanks for that question, Danielle and sleep well.

Almost 2 and still not sleeping through!

2007-11-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Michael who writes:

“My 19 and a half month old child goes to sleep at 7:00 p.m. with a pacifier. He then wakes any time from 2:00 a.m. on and generally will not go back down unless I bring him to bed with me. When I try to soothe him on his own, he wakes again shortly after.

We started putting him in a single bed which he seems to like but he is still waking up one or two times a night. How do I get him to sleep through the night?”

Moving a toddler to a bed is a common choice parents make when things are not going well. They think “maybe if we move him to a bed, he will sleep better; he’ll like it more.” That is probably your first mistake. I would definitely put him back in his crib as I do not suggest moving toddlers to beds until they are at least 2 ½, perhaps even closer to 3.

I have a son turning 3 in November and he is still in a crib because I just think that the older they are, the better they are able to understand the implications of a bed. You will have a better luck keeping him in his room and you won’t have a night time visitor either. At his age, I would suspect that within a month’s time, he is going to be getting out of his bed a lot and coming to find you. I would definitely move him back to his crib.

Secondly, get rid of the pacifier. If a baby uses something to suck themselves to sleep (whether it is a pacifier, a bottle or a breast) that is the vehicle that takes them into sleep when they are falling asleep at night. Therefore, they will probably wake a few times in the night and want you to come in and sort of recreate the whole environment that got them to sleep in the first place. I am guessing there are probably times where you do go in and just pop that pacifier back into his mouth and he settles but it sounds like he has got a couple of things on the go.

One is that he uses that pacifier and the second is that he wants to come to bed with you. What I would do is start at bed time. Go through your routine, and put him in the crib without the pacifier. You can either leave and check on him or do the stay in the room method that is outlined in the Sleep Sense Program and teach him how to fall asleep without that soother. Then when he wakes in the night, you can just follow the guidelines. Wait five or 10 minutes to see if he will settle on his own and then go in and reassure him that everything is fine. However, do not give him back the pacifier and do not bring him to bed with you; I would suspect that within a week or two, he should be confident with getting himself to sleep at night and begin sleeping through.

That is my best advice to you, Michael. I hope that helps! Thanks for your question and sleep well.

Help! My Child Is Back In My Bed!

2007-10-29T21:48:00.001-07:00

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Hi, I’m Dana Obleman, creator of “The Sleep Sense Program.” This week’s question comes from Brenda, and she writes, “I had used The Sleep Sense Program and had gotten my child to sleep through the night, but then he got a cold and was up a lot. Now, he has gotten over his cold but he still wants to be up all night. How do I start to get him back on track or teach him the skills to sleep on his own?”

Well, that is a great question Brenda and that is one that is probably going to come up for everyone at some point. Sickness, colds, flus, can sometimes disrupt a baby’s sleep patterns. And absolutely if a baby is sick they are going to need your comfort and they are going to need your attention, but I always caution that you want to be fairly careful how you respond. You do not want to “rock the boat” too much that you undo all your hard work.

So the best advice if you are dealing with a child who is sick is definitely go in when you hear them in the night. If you need to, go ahead and take them out of the crib and have some cuddles and give them Tylenol, wipe their nose. Do all the things you need to do and once they are settled and calm again, go back to their crib and they should go in there awake.

The good news is that most babies -- once they have their own skills for sleeping -- they do not tend to like anyone to interfere with them. So even if you tried to rock your sick baby to sleep, they’ll probably accept the comfort but at some point they will indicate that they want to go back to their crib or start pushing away or arching their backs. And that is usually a good sign that they have had enough cuddling and now they would like to go back to sleep.

So just be really cautious that you do not try to interfere too much and definitely do not do things like bringing your sick baby to your bed or nursing again in the night if you have stopped. If you want to, offer them some water from a sippy cup just to calm their cough. If you are really concerned about your child, if there is some very serious illness, it is always better that you move to your child’s room rather than moving your child to yours… even if that meant you had to spend the couple of nights on the floor! That would be much less disruptive than having the baby come to your bed. Because a couple of nights in bed with you and she could decide that’s where she wants to be now from now on and six months later she is still on your bed.

So definitely offer comfort when your child is sick, but do not mess around with their “sleep strategies,” and if things totally fall apart through the illness just get right back on track. Start from day one with your program and within seven days you will probably be back on track again.

So thanks for your question, Brenda. I hope that helps, and sleep well!

Help! How Can I Get My TWO Kids Out Of My Bed?

2007-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

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Hi, I’m Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Laura and she writes:

“How do I break my two children out of the habit of sleeping in my bed? Their ages are 32 months and 16 months. I know I created this problem by bringing them to my bed when they woke in the night. Then I would bring them to my room after their bath to get them ready for bed. Then they wanted to fall asleep in my bed. Now, it is at the point where they are in my bed all at night! If I try to bring them to their bed, they carry on screaming and crying, each waking up the other one, and they end up back in my bed because they will not stop crying. What can I do?”

Well Laura, you definitely have a big problem on your hands and your bed must be getting very crowded!

The first thing I would do is put the children back into their own rooms. Start with a “step by step” bedtime routine. Perhaps start with a bath and then their pajamas, and then a little snack or a drink of milk, brush their teeth and then they each go to their separate rooms. Now, if you have support with a husband or somebody that can come over and support you through this, it probably makes best sense that one parent handle one child and one parent handle the other child. Otherwise, you will be in a situation where you’ll have to keep going back and forth.

However, I would suggest the best strategy -- given their ages -- is that the 16 month old should definitely be in a crib, as it’s too early for a bed. But since the 32 month old is used to your bed now, you might as well start off in a toddler bed.

Your best bet is going to be the “stay in the room” method, which would involve that for three nights you sit right by her bed, three nights you move further away, three nights a little further so that she gets comfortable with the idea of her own bed and understands that you are not going to be there all night and you can work through it gradually. And you will have to handle it the same for the night wakings.

I find that co-sleeping is an “all or nothing” decision that parents need to make. I’ve found very few children who are accommodating with “part time” co-sleeping, so there is really not an option that one or both of them can come to bed with you once in a while through the night.

So they’ll have to be in their own beds all night long, and it’s probably going to take about two weeks given their ages, with the first few nights being the rough ones. The steps for making this all work are explained in “The Sleep Sense Program,” and the “stay in the room method” is my best suggestion --especially for the toddler. And remember to put your 16 month old in a crib for sure.

So I hope that points you in the right direction, Laura, and good luck with getting your own bed back!

How Can I Wean My Baby Off Night Feeds?

2007-10-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

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Hi, I’m Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Pam and she writes, “How do I successfully wean Samuel? He is 16 months old and still nurses throughout the night?”

Well, as long as Samuel is a healthy 16-month-old with no weight issues, there is really no reason why he should be still nursing throughout the night. So there is probably one of two things going on here.

My first guess is that Samuel probably nurses himself to sleep at bedtime, so he therefore wakes up in the night and -- instead of it really being a hunger issue, it is more of a strategy issue. It was the way he got himself to sleep in the first place. So every time he wakes up in the night, he is more than likely expecting you to come in and nurse him back to sleep. The food is a nice side benefit, but the real goal is nursing to sleep. So that is how he needs to keep doing it.

My first suggestion would be that you look at bedtime and you set up a routine. If you want to offer some nursing before bed, that is totally fine, but you have to make sure that Samuel stays awake through the nursing and poke him, talk to him, tickle him, whatever you need to do to keep him awake while he feeds. Then he goes into the crib awake and that is where you’ve got to start.

Another thing that might be happening is Samuel might fall asleep on his own at bedtime, but then still thinks he needs to nurse to sleep during the night. If that is the case, then you’re just going to have to pull the feeds “cold turkey.” The problem with just feeding once in the night is that YOU may understand that you’re just going to feed him once, but HE can’t understand that. He’ll just assume that if he stays awake long enough, maybe you’ll come in and feed him.

So for a baby 6 months or older, the best strategy is “cold turkey.” It is clearer to the baby, it is less confusing to the baby, and it resolves the problem a lot faster.

So those are the two areas you need to focus on, Pam. You can find some help with step-by-step plans in The Sleep Sense Program. Thanks for your question, and sleep well!

Got a question about your child's sleep? Use the form below to send me your question! Then keep an eye on this blog to see if YOUR question was selected to be answered!

Ready To Get Your Child Out Of YOUR Bed?

2007-08-13T14:47:00.001-07:00

Hi! I'm Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program.
This week's question comes from Sue and she asks:

"My 12 month old wakes up every night and will not go back to sleep unless I bring her to my bed. How do I break this habit that's beginning?"

Well Sue, I want you to first have a look at how Leila falls asleep at bedtime. That's really where 99 percent of the problems fall is how children fall asleep at bedtime

First of all, you want to make sure that there's a really clear and consistent bedtime routine. Moving in a step by step order, the same every night, so that what it becomes is a cue that it's time for bed. Next, you want to make sure that your 12 month old has the skills for sleeping well on their own. You definitely shouldn't do things like rocking or bottle feeding/nursing to sleep. Once the routine is in place you should put her into her crib awake.

In the Sleep Sense Program there's a guideline for staying in the room if that's your choice, (if that's what you feel the best about then you should stay in the room and be supportive. Just be careful though, that there's nothing you're doing that's actually putting her to sleep. In other words, if you're patting her back until she falls asleep you might find that you've now incorporated yourself into her strategy so you're then going to be expected to go in there and pat her back again every time she wakes in the night.

The skill of sleeping is absolutely hers and hers alone and once she starts putting those pieces together and figuring out a way to do this on her own, then she'll be much less likely to rely on you to do it for her. Bedtime is the first place to start. As for when she wakes in the night and especially when you would normally bring her into your bed, if that's not where you want her to be then you just have to stop doing that. Go in and sit with her (and be calm and supportive) but let her fall asleep on her own; I suggest not bringing her to your bed at any time. What a lot of moms will sometimes do is think that at 5:00 in the morning it’s okay to bring my baby to bed with me so they can sleep the last couple of hours. The parent knows what they are doing but the baby doesn't so what I find tends to happen in this situation, is that 5:00am becomes 4:30, which becomes 4:00am, and so on. It just starts pushing earlier and earlier until the baby's in your bed half the night again! If that's what your baby prefers, then you're probably going find that it's hard to get them to go to sleep initially as well, because they'd rather be in your bed.

In a sense, just sleeping beside a parent can too become a prop because that's the only way the baby becomes used to falling asleep and staying asleep; really they're not doing it independently. They're still relying on you in some way. It'll definitely be work and it's going to take a week or two to get her on track with going to sleep on her own and sleeping through the night in her own crib. However, if you truly don't want her in your bed, it's best to do it now, because it does tend to get a little harder as the child gets older; they have more expectations about what you're going to do.
Now is a great time to make the switch and I find those are the best ways to do it.

Thanks for your question. Sleep well!

Got a question about your child's sleep? Use the form below to send me your question! Then keep an eye on this blog to see if YOUR question was selected to be answered!

Why Is My Child Waking Up So Early?

2007-07-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hi, I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. This week’s question comes from Allison and she writes, “Nancy Sue was sleeping 7:00 p.m. to 7:30 a.m. for months but in the past month, she’s been waking up around 6:00 a.m…. What should I do?

Well Allison, over the last month or so, I’ve received lots of those questions. These “too early mornings” seem to be creeping up more and more often. Well, it probably has a lot to do with the early rising sun. Even in my own sleep, I’m noticing that I’m waking up around 6:00 where I used to sleep pretty consecutively until 7:00. So, my best guess would be that all these early morning wakers are waking because of the sun.

A good tip is to make sure the room is really dark -- you might even have to get some blackout blinds put in or hang a dark sheet or blanket over the windows. If you’re worried about it being too dark, you could always put a small nightlight in somewhere so that it’s not too dark; but you want to hold out that morning sun as long as you can, because it can cause early wakeups.

But maybe it has nothing to do with the sun... You have to make sure that your daughter knows that you expect her to sleep until 7. So, if she used to sleep 7:00 a.m. to 7:00p.m., you’ve got to stick with that. This means that if she wakes up at 6:00, you can go in, give her a quick check, tell her it’s still night-night time, and then you need to leave her in her crib until at least 7:00.

What can sometimes happen with early morning wakers is that they used to wake up at 7:00, then for a few days it was 6:30 and Mom went in and got them… Now it’s 6:15, Mom goes in and it’s 6:00 a.m., then it’s 5:30. So, if you respond too quickly, you’re sort of sending a message that it doesn’t really matter what time you wake up, I’ll come and get you even if it’s too early!

So, be fairly strict with your 7:00 morning. But do remember that some babies are 6:00 a.m. risers and that’s just something that a lot of parents have to live with. But, if she was sleeping until 7:00 or 7:30 most mornings, I’d make 7:00 your cutoff and just hold her to it. Make sure the room is dark and this should blow over.

Thanks Allison for your question. Good luck and sleep well.

My Child Has Just Learned To Walk... Should I Move Her To A Toddler Bed?

2007-05-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program.
This week's question comes from Leanne who writes:

”Kayla is almost 15 months old and started walking two weeks ago. All of a sudden I can't get her to go to sleep at bedtime. She was falling asleep on her own, but now that's not working and I have to rock her. Should I move her to a toddler bed?”

Well Leanne, I would not move her to a toddler bed. Many parents think that if their child is having sleep difficulties in a crib that maybe a solution would be to move them to a toddler bed. I can guarantee you that nine times out of ten it just makes the situation worse. So keep her in her crib for sure.

Another thing to be aware of is often developmental milestones, like learning to walk, do disrupt sleep for a couple of weeks. It's almost like the instinct to practice the new skill is so overwhelming that a toddler, just can't settle themselves down enough to sleep well. What she's doing is not uncommon. What you want to keep an eye on when these things happen is that you don't make too many changes as far as your expectations go around bedtime. Meaning that if she starts putting up a bit of a fight and is having a difficult time settling down, you shouldn’t come in and start rocking her, because you haven't been in the past.

I would stop rocking because you're just going to back yourself into a corner with that one and it'll be really tough to get her to go back to falling asleep on her own. Put her in her crib after her bedtime routine. If you want to stay with her until she falls asleep that's perfectly fine, being supportive. Over the course of nine nights or so, move yourself gradually away from her so she's comfortable and used to sleeping on her own again.

Often when a baby kind of falls off the track a little bit, it really only takes a nudge in the right direction and they're back on track! It happens relatively quickly. Within a few nights my guess would be that she'll be more accepting of going to sleep on her own again because she did know how; she has that skill already. She just probably needs a good reminder about what exactly she's supposed to be doing.

So really, when these little aggressions come along it's better to just really remain consistent and they often blow over within a few nights and keep an eye on what you're doing and your response so that you don't give her mixed messages.

Thank you very much Leanne, for your question and I hope that helps a bit.
Sleep well!

How Much Sleep Does A 2-Month-Old Baby Need In A Day?

2007-05-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm Dana Obleman, creator of the The Sleep Sense Program.
This week's question comes from Lisa and she writes:

"What is a normal amount of time to have a baby awake during the day so that they sleep better at night? My baby is two months old."

Thanks Lisa! It's a common misconception really, that if you keep the baby awake longer throughout the day, they'll sleep better at night; the exact opposite is true.
The longer you keep the baby awake, (especially a newborn) the more overtired they become. When overtiredness sets in, most babies tend to become wound up instead of relaxed and so you'll find that as the day wears on and the baby has had very little sleep throughout the day, it can become harder get them to settle down and go to sleep.

As far as a two month old goes, my suggestion would be that you fall into a pattern during the day of the baby waking up, being fed and playing for a short amount of time. After about 45 minutes to maybe an hour and 15 is really the maximum amount of stamina that a newborn has before they should be going back to bed. So eat, play and sleep is a really good routine to set up throughout the day so that you're not falling into a pattern of always nursing or bottle feeding to sleep.

That way, when evening rolls around, a good way to encourage a newborn to start separating day from night (and encourage the majority of their sleep in the night) is to set up a bedtime routine and that can start right from Day 1 if you're feeling up to it. It doesn't have to be very elaborate.

I like to start off the routine with a bath, because I just think a bath is such a significantly different activity than others in a newborn's life that it's a good transition and acts as a really good cue that bedtime is coming. So maybe a quick bath topped off with nursing and then into the crib, will really help set the stage for nighttime sleep.

Just remember that actually the more well-rested a baby is during the day, the better off their nighttime sleep is going to be. They won't be overtired and that's really what you want to be watching out for, especially with a newborn.

I hope that helps, Lisa. Thank you for your question and sleep well!

Could This Indicate Separation Anxiety?

2007-05-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program.
This weeks question comes from Jody who writes:

“My twelve month old has been sleeping through the night for over eight months. Lately he’s been waking and needs to be held and reassured by his mom and dad until he goes back to sleep. Could this be separation anxiety? And what should we do?”

It could be separation anxiety Jody, but you’ll also want to be really cautious about your expectations for him as far as sleep goes. Little set backs can happen from time to time and because he’s twelve months old he might be learning to walk or to perfect that skill so that will often cause a bit of a sleep regression.

The best way to handle it might be to first give him a few minutes and see if he is going to settle on his own. It’s really common for babies to have something called a partial arousal where they will wake in the night and even cry for a few minutes and then go right back to sleep again. When parents go in they’ll find that their eyes are still closed and that they really do look like they are still sleeping. So, you don’t need to rush in right away; give it a couple minutes and see if he’s going to do this more on his own.

Then go in and if you want to, you can sit by the crib and tell him it’s still night, lay him down a few times and just encourage him to go back to sleep. I definitely wouldn’t take him out of the crib and I certainly wouldn’t start rocking him, because my guess would be that the more that that happens the more likely he is to start waking up looking for it over and over again.

Also Jody, have a look at how he falls asleep at bed time. If you’re rocking him to sleep at bed time, my guess is you’re going to have to make a big change to that too because he’s got a rocking-sleep association started there and he’ll just keep waking up through the night looking for that same thing again. So keep an eye on bedtime, make sure he’s falling asleep on his own there and then for the night wakings it’s fine to go in and it’s absolutely fair if he’s having a bit of separation anxiety that you make your presence known. Tell him everything’s fine and that it’s still nighttime. If you want to come in and out and check on him every five minutes that’s perfectly fine as well. Just be very careful that you don’t start messing with his own strategies and rocking him to sleep etc.; keep him in that crib and it should blow over.

He knows how to sleep well already because he’s been doing it all this time, so he probably just needs a nudge in the right direction to get back on track! As long as you’re fairly consistent and firm with what you’re expectations are, (mainly that he go to sleep for the night) he should get back on track with that really quickly.

So thanks for your question Jody. Good luck; sleep well!

How Can I Stop My 11-Month-Old From Waking At 5 A.M.?

2007-05-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program.

This week’s question comes from Lauren and she asks:

“My 11 month-old wakes at 5:00 a.m. and I know she is still sleepy. She’s awake for a few hours but is usually fussy until her morning nap. How can I get her to sleep later?”

That is a great question, Lauren and again a very popular one! It’s a pretty common problem for babies to be waking up just a bit too early. If they still seem cranky and tired then an hour or two more sleep in the morning would definitely be beneficial.

The first thing I would look at, with your 11 month-old is ensuring that she has the skills for sleeping well on her own. She should be going to sleep on her own or independently sleeping through the night without any kind of prop. Sometimes a soother is a tricky one because maybe the baby sleeps through most of the night with the soother, but will often wake in the early morning hours only to not really be able to get themselves back to sleep. Even with some help from the soother, it can still be difficult for them.

Firstly, make sure that those issues are not problems for you. In the first few weeks of sleep training, or making sleep changes, it’s pretty common for a baby to have some early morning wake-ups. If they slept from 7:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m., and that’s the first time in their lives that they’ve slept that length of time, they might wake up at 5:00 a.m. and feel pretty good. What I would suggest you do is make 6:00 a.m. the earliest you would consider getting her up. If she wakes at 5:00 a.m., go in fairly quickly and tell her it’s still nighttime, lay her down, cuddle her up and either stay in the room or leave, until at least 6:00 a.m. rolls around. If she goes back to sleep, that’s great. If not then get her out at 6:00 a.m. and make a big deal about it being morning. Turn the lights on, open the blinds, take her out of the bedroom and down to your kitchen for breakfast and then keep her up for the few hours until her nap time.

Usually, if you make 6:00 a.m. your cutoff, a baby will, over time, start making the transition themselves to closer to 6:00 a.m. A 6am wake up might be as much as you can expect, but most babies generally wake in between 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. once they’re sleeping good and solidly through the night.

It’ll take time though. It’s usually the last thing that happens in sleep training so give it a few weeks. It’s not going to happen dramatically and keep an eye on bedtimes. Common mistakes parents make is that they start trying to push bedtime later and later and later and hope that she’s going to sleep in. Most babies do not sleep in and regardless of when they go down; they’re going to wake up in the morning at the same time more or less. Only now, they have missed some sleep, so they’re going to wake up even grumpier. So don’t do too much with bed time, that’s not usually the problem.

I hope that helps a bit Lauren and thanks for your question! Sleep well!

How Do I Get My 12-Month-Old Out Of My Bed?

2007-05-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

How To Wean Your Two Year Old Off Nighttime Feeds

2007-05-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hi there!

I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program.

This week’s question is from Hailey, who says:

“Charlie George always wants a drink in the night and he goes mad if his pacifier falls out of his mouth. He’s going to be 2 in December. Please help me!”

This is another very common question. A lot of toddlers wake for bottles or pacifiers, in the night. The main thing you need to think about Hailey is when you put Charlie George to bed at night. You want to make sure that while he can have a bottle in his routine, once the bedtime routine is finished you are putting Charlie George in his crib without a bottle and without his pacifier.

I know a lot of sleep specialists have said that a soother is okay in the night but what a lot of babies and toddlers run into is that if the actual act of falling asleep is done with a soother in their mouths and they wake in the night with no soother, they usually need someone to come in and help make the journey back into sleep.

If you’re lucky, your toddler will be able to find his soother on his own in the night and get it back but most children, especially babies, cannot. So, my best advice to you is to teach Charlie George how to sleep without a soother and when you do your bedtime routine, put him in his crib with no soother.

Now, of course you’re going to go through a night or a few nights of protest, from Charlie George but follow the steps in the program where you stay in the room to be supportive, and he will learn a new way to fall asleep. Then, when he wakes in the night, he won’t be looking for his soother any more because he’ll already know what to do to get himself back to sleep! Similar with a bottle. If he’s waking for a bottle in the night, you want to make sure he’s not falling asleep with that bottle at bedtime and that he’s learning the skills for getting himself to sleep, right from the get-go. If he wakes in the night, I wouldn’t be giving him a bottle, especially if he is well over the age of 1. He’s going be 2 soon so I would suggest you just go into his room, tell him it’s still night and not offer a bottle.

I hope that helps, and thanks for your question Hailey! Sleep well.

Do You Need To Soothe Your Baby Back To Sleep?

2007-05-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Dana Obleman, creator of the Sleep Sense Program.

This question comes from Ella who writes:

“Why does my 13 month old wake up between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 and just needs to be patted right back to sleep? I don't take him out of the crib but it takes a toll on me to stand over him and pat his back until he falls asleep again.”

Well Ella, you want to think about how Ethan falls asleep at bedtime. If you find that part of your bedtime routine includes putting him in his crib and then standing above him patting his back, in a way he's falling asleep on his own but in another way he's not.

It sounds like he's incorporated your patting into his strategy for sleep so that when he wakes up in the night, he's thinking “I'm awake. I’d like to go back to sleep but I need my mom to come back in here and pat me.” It probably doesn't take you too long but I'm sure it takes a toll to get up a few times a night just to go in and pat him.

Again, it's about strategy so even it was a soother or a bottle or you were nursing him every time you went in, in some way Ethan's connected you into his strategy system so that when he wakes he needs a recreation of all that. So, when you put him to bed at bedtime it's okay to pat a little bit but maybe do it more intermittently so that you pat and then you withdraw and then you pat a little more and then you withdraw. Watch carefully and when Ethan actually starts to fall asleep, make sure you're not patting him anymore.

Again, it's going to take him some nights to get used to the difference, especially if he's really dependant on you patting him. He might protest a bit to the change to his strategies but if you're consistent for a week or two, you'll find that you can back away and pat him a little bit less and a little bit less each night so that eventually you can just put him in the crib and he'll be able to do the whole thing by himself.

Good luck with that, Ella. Thank you for your question and sleep well.

Breaking the nightly bottle habit

2007-04-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

TRANSCRIPT: I‘m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program.
This week’s question comes from Teresa

“My 11-month-old goes to bed with a bottle and wakes for a bottle in the night. How do I break her of this habit?”

Good question, Teresa! When you put your baby in bed at night, it’s fine to include the bottle in her routine. You could start with a bath, and then pajamas and then her bottle and a story or two.

What you really want to avoid is giving her the bottle until she falls asleep or putting her in her crib with the bottle. You do not want your baby to fall asleep with a bottle in her mouth because if she wakes up in the middle of the night she thinks she needs that bottle again to sleep. If you come with her bottle and feed her to sleep or put it into the crib, she sucks herself back to sleep with the bottle.

Not only is that hard for her sleep strategies, it is also very damaging to her teeth that are coming in. So, maybe start the bottle a little earlier in your routine. You can have a bath, then her bottle, then brush her teeth and then back for some stories, but you should be putting her into the crib awake and without a bottle. If you follow the guidelines in The Sleep Sense Program, I will give you some strategies to deal with the two weeks it is probably going to take to get her on track, learning a new strategy for getting herself to sleep.

You don’t have to leave the room; you can stay with her if you like, but she really does need to start connecting the steps that are involved in putting herself to sleep independently so that she is not relying on that bottle! Otherwise, she will most likely keep waking for that bottle. It could go on well into the second year so you really want to make sure you break this habit now, and then when she wakes in the night requesting a bottle, you’ll have to just decline that request.

You can go in, you can stay with her and ”ride it out” basically, but she will learn a new way to sleep and she will start sleeping a solid night which will be better for her. It is going to be better for her in the sense that she is not falling asleep with the bottle in her mouth and so it ,may take about two weeks, but it is definitely for the best.

Thanks for your question, and Sleep well!