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Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.
This week’s question comes from Stephanie. She writes:
“My son used to go to sleep fine on his own. This past weekend our neighbors were doing fireworks, and every night since, he’s been scared. He starts to cry when it’s bath time, and he keeps crying every time he thinks I might leave the room. He’s crying so much that he’s vomited. What can I do to get him back on track?”
There were a number of people who wrote in about similar problems. One in particular was about a mother going back to work—her child being in day care—and now there was lots of anxiety around bedtime caused by the day care. So I thought it was worth exploring a little bit with you today.
That is totally fair and valid on his part. The fireworks were scary, and he’s having some anxiety now. So what can you do? It’s similar with day care. Lots of changes have gone on in his life, you are now gone a lot, and day care is brand new. Of course there’s going to be a period of adjustment. Some children handle it better than others, just like adults, and these are going to be reoccurring themes that happen as your child grows. Even starting school can be a bit of a trauma the first few days, and even going into grade one can be a tough transition. So, they’re going to definitely come up, and it’s worth validating the fact that this child’s having some anxiety and fear.
I would start by explaining fireworks to him. Maybe you want to show him what fireworks are or show him some pictures of fireworks just so he knows what they were and what they are. Yes, they’re noisy, but they’re not scary. They show off beautiful lights, and that’s why people use them. And then, because he’s so worked up, I would suggest—and I’m not sure how old he is, but I’m guessing he’s at least two or three—you might decide to put a reward chart in, just to make it a positive thing. He doesn’t cry through the bath, he has a good time, he reads his story, he gets into bed, he doesn’t cry, and therefore, in the morning, when his clock says seven, he can have some sort of reward. Set your intentions—what you want is for him to go to bed cooperatively and not to cry—just so he knows what you expect from him.
And then, because it’s been so tough on him and he’s working himself up to such a state, I would suggest you do the stay-in-the-room method again. I hardly ever suggest that, because I don’t want a toddler to think, “All I have to do is kick up a fuss and you’ll come back and work your way out of the room again, and then we can play this game every month, and you’ll keep coming back.” I really suggest once people have done it, you’ve done it. You don’t revisit. But because this has been so tough on all of you, just to get him comfortable with the idea that he’s fine and there’s nothing to be scared about, I would do the stay-in-the-room method, but just expedite the whole thing. I’d maybe do one or two nights right by the bed, one or two nights in the middle of the room, one or two nights by door, and then you’re gone. So, basically, in about five nights, you’ve just reestablished your routine and you’ve cut the anxiety level. You can stay until he’s asleep, and you can tell him that and work your way out. And treat the night wakings, if there are any, in the same manner—you’re fine and he’s fine and you’re going to work your way out. By night five it should be back on track.
The good news is, he was a good sleeper in the past, so we know he can do this. He knows he can do this. It’s just a matter of reminding him. It’s similar with any kind of day care trauma or adjustment period. You can go back to speeding your way through the stay-in-the-room method. Don’t stall out, though. I’ve already warned in earlier episodes that you really shouldn’t stall out somewhere and start staying in the room every night, because it’s just going to cause lots of problems down the road.
So, five nights, speed your way through it. If there’s still some crying after night five, you’re going to leave him five or ten minutes, and you can go back and remind him that it’s nighty-night. You can even say to a toddler that you’ll come back and check but only if he’s quiet. If he’s crying and kicking up a big fuss, you’re not going to come back. If he’s quiet, you can go back every minute at first to really reinforce it: “Thank you for being quiet. I’ll be back. Thank you for being quiet. I’ll be back.” And then, as the nights go on and he’s getting more comfortable with it, you’d just start spacing out your going back. It was a minute, now it’s three minutes, now it’s five minutes, now it’s ten, until he no longer needs you to keep coming back to check on him.
I hope that helps with that problem, Stephanie. Thanks for your question. Sleep well!
To learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here — or you can click here to order now!
To ask a question about your child’s sleep, just leave it in the ‘Comments’ section below! I’ll choose one and create a new video answer each week!
Hi, I started the sleep sense program 3 days ago and our routine is to bath, read a story, and say goodnight to winnie the pooh. I am very concerned that my baby is frightened because I cant even read him the story now without him crying. Im worried he is fearful of bedtime. I am also worried that this doing emotional damage to him.
I have a 2 month old who has been sleeping through the night now for a month and has been taking regular naps during the day with little to no fuss. However, the past week has been different. Several times she has woken herself up in the wee hours crying and now she screams and fights taking naps so hard I have to rock her to sleep; even that is after half an hour of screaming. Sometimes during her naps she whimpers and whines. Is it possible that my daughter is having nightmares and is afraid to sleep? If so, how can I help her? I work full time so I can’t just hold her every time she gets tired.
Our 7 month old daughter is now having problems going to sleep. It’s as if she’s fighting going to sleep. We have to “sshhh” her and rock her for at least a half hour. She will cry but end up falling asleep in our arms, but when we put her in the crib, she starts crying. This can go on, over and over, for up to two hours sometimes. And the crying can be as if her arms are being ripped off. Once she’s down for good, she sleeps fine. She’ll sleep for 10 to 11 hours overnght, with 1 or 2 diaper changes and feedings within that time. But getting her to sleep is becoming a chore and wearing on my husband and I.
please help me my little girl dosent like going to bed she crys and crys for hours on end, i put her to bed after a feed same time every night she crys i leave the room go back to sh sh sh her mins later and so on ……. but she just wont settle she gets really upset and makes her sell cough, but when i pick her up she just laughs at me and thinks its play time she is weeks old and i just dont no what else i can do please help me xxxx
My baby, Inaya is 7 months old and we started the new bedtime routine for about a week and a half. At the beginning she was resisted with a lot of crying, but with perseverance and patting and shushing we managed to change her sleep routine. Now we have different problems. For the last couple of night she is waking up 3-4 times a night the last one being in the morning around 3.00AM or 4.00AM. She refuses to go back asleep; she cries and after 1 hour or 2hours she would fall back asleep. The other problem is that when i put her in her bed at 7.00-7.30PM she refuses to go to sleep, she cries, she turns from one side to the other and it takes 30 min to 1 hour to fall asleep. Could you please let me know what i can do to help her sleep better. Thanks a mill.
Thank you SO much for this!! My daughter (2 years old) started having these episodes when I put her to bed or down for a nap! It was so sudden and absolutely terrible! A shock to me because she is normally the easiest baby to put to sleep! I found out her daycare provider was showing Halloween movies that one day (charlie brown, etc) harmless to us but to a 2 year old it’s just not something they can process. So straight to google I went (after telling her daycare provider that she may never show another Halloween movie to my daughter!) and I found your article! After doing all the steps my girl is back! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Hi Dana,
I have been sleep training my 6 month old daughter using the ‘stay in the room’ method now for about 3 weeks. She was previously sleeping in our room and at times in our bed. She has slept through the night on a fair few occasions but just this past week has been waking up at about 3-4am. I then will go in and stay with her untill she falls back to sleep. im careful not to shh or pat her to sleep but could she be using my presents as an aid? What can i do to help her sleep through consistently without my help?
Thank you :)
My granddaughter is 18 months old and quite often wants company to go to sleep. My daughter followed your programme and it worked fine, but she stays with me at least one night every week, and at first she was fine, but the last couple of nights she wants to sleep with me and won’t settle in her own cot. She has her own room in my house. A couple of night ago, she wouldn’t settle, and I had to lift her, and eventually take her home where she went to bed on her own as usual. She seemed to be OK about settling while I was in the room, but if I left, she cried until I came back in. Do you have any ideas that might help her sleep through the night in my house?
Hope you can help.
My 29 mth old son is STILL not sleeping through the night!!! HELP!!! He was having night terrors (or what I think were night terrors) for a while, we cut out the red dye as much as possible in everything from medicines to food & drinks, & that has helped the night terrors. But he is still not sleeping through the night, on occassion maybe once every couple of weeks he will sleep through the night, but more times than nought he will go to sleep at approximately 9 pm, and then he is usually up @ about midnight, sometimes he will soothe himself back to sleep but usually he will cry until we go into the room and get him, sometimes we try and let him cry it out and try to soothe it out for himself he will throw up.. Nothing has happened to give him the anxiety of change. Even though I lost my job in July and just started back to work I keep him in daycare so he would keep him routine.. He takes about a 2 – 3 hour nap at daycare… Lets take last night for example… He didnt actually go to bed until 11 pm then he was up at 12:30 & didnt want to go back to sleep… finally put him in bed with hubby & I and turned the tv to BabyFirst TV and let him watch him… he still didnt sleep all night he was up every so often crying… we even play soft music in his room at night to try and help him sleep… Any suggestions on what we can do??? Cause I know it isnt normal that 29 mth olds are not sleeping…
I tired the things you suggested in this blog. It worked for a couple of nights and then he started again. His fear of fireworks has turned in to a fear of the dark. We have a 2 night lights for him and that used to work but now he wants the light on. We got a dim light so it’s not so bright. But again tonight he got so worked up that he vomited all over himself and his bed. Were not sure what to do? Please help.
What a great resource!
I have a 13 month old who wakes up upto 5/6 times a night. He was initially in my bed as the waking was so often but for the last 4 weeks he has been in his own room in a cot with no change to waking. I used to rock him to sleep but i have over teh last 4 weeks just sat next to him and i let him fall asleep by himself after crying and getting up for about 10 minutes. He initially wakes up 25-45 minutes after sleeping at 8pm and continues to do so until midnight after which he manges a stretch to 2am and then 5am finally waking at 7. Having researched i believe he is unable to self sooth when he comes into his light sleep phase and he needs me to put him back to sleep. I have over the last 4 weeks tried to simply go into the room when he wakes and to put him back down (as he usually sits up) and i reassuringly but firmly tell him to go to sleep, he simply cries and sits up continuosly, if i leave the room to let him cry he manages to hurt himself on the side of the cot and he gets so unconsolable. I have tried putting my hands on him so he knows im there but not soothing him in any other way, but whatever im trying i cant seem to get him to settle himself to go back to sleep and to sleep through the night. He manages two day time naps of 1 hour. Im hoping you may have some new ideas for me. Thanks
hey there. my 23 month old daughter was sleeping threw the night and going to bed great. now she screams going to sleep. then wakes throw the night 3 times a night screaming and refuses to go back into her cot. she now jumps out and cries constantly!!!
My son, 2, used to sleep til around 6:30 in the morning, but for the past month, he has been getting up around 5 or 5:30 and going to my partners room. He broke the record this morning with a 4:20 wake up! We now also have a 3month old, (who sleeps great! Thanks!) so i’m not as free as I used to be in getting him back to bed, it’s all up to my partner. Any suggestions? We want him to stay in bed til the sun comes up, not sleep in bed with us.
My daughter is 6 months old an does not go to sleep on her own i have to nurse her to sleep then put her down and she is also waking 1-2 times a night how can i get her to sleep by herself and not wake at all?
Good morning,
my son who just turned 4 months old goes to bed around 7h30-8h every night. However, every morning for the last month between 4h-5h he wakes upbetween 4h-5h; he doesn’t cry, just babbles a little and laughs. This can last anywhere from 15 min to 2h, and he then falls asleep by himself for another 1h30 to 2h. The thing is, while I don’t go see him because he’s not crying, I still wake up, and it’s a little early for me to start my day!
Please help!
Melanie
I have a 2 yr old son who has recently become quite upset when he wakes up from his nap and sometimes in the morning. He cries, and screams and it is very difficult to console him, most times it turns into a temper tantrum. I do not know if he is fully awake or if what causes such behavior. should I just leave him in his room or try to console him? I really don’t know what to do. After he finally calms down he is his usual sweet self. Some of these episodes last anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes.
A few months ago, my 20-month old son decided that he wouldn’t nap unless he was held. (There was nothing new in his routine and we can’t figure out why he started this.)We’ve tried to let him cry it out, but he seems to cry for an hour and then never actually goes to sleep. He gets so upset- jumping, screaming and ultimately covered in sweat. The doctor suggested that he may not need a nap, but he’s clearly tired, i.e., fussy, yawning, etc. If he’s held, he typically sleeps 1.5 to 3 hours.
It’s gotten so bad that now he won’t go to sleep at night unaided. He wants to be held until he falls asleep. He sleeps fine through the night and if he wakes up (from teething), he puts himself back to sleep.
Our pediatrician suggested that we just continue to hold him for naps. My son was colicky as an infant and it took him a while to learn to nap on his own since he was held so much early in life. We’d like to have more children so holding one for a few hours a day isn’t feasible. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Marley is 2 and will fight going to bed until 11 at nite and wake at 6:30 when put in her room she bangs on the closed door and cries waking her baby brother
Hi,
My little grandson of nearly 4 months,just wont sleep for more than 1 hour at a time in the daytime, he goes off after a feed but not always and only stays asleep tops 1 hour sometimes he doesnt sleep at all in the day time he is started to get very grummy and looks over tired what can my daughter do to get him to have real quality sleep in the daytime. Thankyou Lisa
My 2.5yr old is scared of the dark and the shadows in her room. She won’t put head on her pillow even if we’re in the room with her. We’ve tried leaving the light on for her and even laying down beside her but nothing seems to work. I have tried to physically lay her down but she goes into a tantrum… obviously that was a bad idea. How can I get my child to lay down in her bed at bed time?
Help!!! We have been struggling with my 3 1/2 year old now for several months. She used be such a great sleeper, but since spring rolled around along with thunderstorms she is getting up in the night scared. This makes for a crabby child throughout the day. Second question: We finally got rid of the pacifier at bed about 2 weeks ago. She is doing great not having it at night, but will pretty much not nap anymore. How necessary is a nap at this age? She is up earlier as well, between 6 &7 am. Getting to bedtime can be a bear with out a nap. What do you suggest?
My son used to take long naps and sleep for long stretches when he first came home from hospital. But since he turned 1-month old, things changed. Now he’s 2.5 mos, it’s got to the point where sometimes he only naps once a day for 30 minutes, and the night sleeps are “choppy”, sometimes he wakes up every 1.5, 2 hours, and it’s not always that he wants to eat.
The lack of naps in particular worries me — even if he does dose off and I put him in his crib without waking him up, in 5-10 minutes he will wake and cry. I end up having to pick him up again because I try everything from the mobile to the pacifier to re-swaddling and patting while he’s in the crib, and he will still cry on for stretches up to an hour. Each of those soothing techniques I’ve tried to apply for a few days consistently, but nothing works.
I’m not sure if this is just part of growing up, but it doesn’t seem normal that a baby sleeps less than 12 hours on a regular basis at this tender age.
What should I do differently?
I have a 10 month old son who has never been a great sleeper. He rarely sleeps over 8 hours a night and nap times are always a battle. He wakes up 2-3 times a night for his pacifier. Can that alone be a reason why he does not sleep 11-12 hours a night? I have tried giving him a teddy instead of his pacifier but he cries so much that he pushes away the teddy. I do have a consistent bedtime routine but as soon as we enter his room he starts to cry.
My baby is an early riser – usually 6.15ish. He is 10 months old. He goes to bed at 7.30 and has regular day time naps usually no longer than 2 1/2 hrs in total. When he wakes in the morning I don’t go straight in and don’t give him his bottle until 7 – 7.30. He doesn’t cry when he wakes just chats or plays in his cot. Can I lengthen his night time sleep to nearer 12hrs?
hi, can you help me? i want leave my toddler in childcare every day for 2 hours, because i have to work , but she do not want to stay. wen i leave she cry all time till i come back to pickup her. help, i do not want let her cry every day for 2 hours. thanks!
hi i have a 3 year old whorefuses to sleep in his own room.
When he was 6mnths old he went into his own room and slept right through the night.
Then we put into move and it all started a week before we moved and its been a year now and still refuses to sleep in there.
I have sat up there with him for hours on end reading books to him but nothing works.
If he falls asleep on the sofa i put him in his own bed but within 2hrs of being up there he wakes up.
I am the fostermom to a 7 month old boy,he has been with me since he was 1 month old. I have always had to hold him to get him to sleep or at least sleep with him so he can touch me. He wakes up with the slightest sounds,for example water running.He has always been a very fussy baby. I’m not how long I will have him but I would love for him to sleep at night. He is a nervous little one. a loud noise or anything unexpected scares him and he will scream for long periods, and there seems to be nothing I can do to soothe him. I have reasons to believe that the bio mom was physically abused durning the pregancy, would that have anything to do with his sleeplessness and the nervous ways?
Dear Dana
My son is just about to turn 6 and is still not able to go to sleep at night. We have tried everything! HE’s a very active child but still never seem to tire out. He sleeps well in our bed so how can I make him comfortable and secure in his own bed? Last night I sat outside his bedroom for 1 hour and in the end had to stroke him. I’m despairing! Thanks!
Hi my son maddex which is 2 has always been an awesome sleeper until we moved now he will not sleep at all in his room/toddler bed. Please help i am at my wits ends and dont have no clue what too do about it… Thanks
I have 5yr old that has never slept well, she keeps coming to our room and getting in the bed. I keep taking her back but she starts ti cry so loud it wakes up my 2 yr old, and he is such a good sleeper. She wont tell us what’s wrong or that she is afraid of anything! I have tried everything you have suggested but am now desparate for advice!!!!
james is 19 months and wakes up shoutin mummy or daddy at 3 in the morning and my only option is to get him in our bed. very tiring. help
After the first time I did my bedtime routines, the next day, my baby cried a lot when I did that. It has been a week and she still cries when I am doing the bedtime routines. She would not even let me to finish bathing her. What should I do to make her feel more comfortable when the bedtime comes?
Thank you
Dana,
I am struggling and don’t know what to do – I have 3 children 2,4, and 9. Our 2 year old has been nursed to sleep and now needs to fall asleep with my arm on her belly or she will scream and scream. How do we start to break her of this skin to skin contact need and get her to sleep on her own. When any of the kids scream, it wakes up the kids that are sleeping and my husband is 50 and I’m 43 and the older we get, the harder it is for us to be sleep deprived. We both have pretty intense jobs and we give in to our 2 year old b/c we’re TIRED. We have not slept in the same bed in months and it’s taking it’s toll on everyone.
Please tell me what I should do. I’m desparate.
hi i have a 27 month old toddler and a 13 month old baby both dont sleep wakes 3 to 4 times a night please i need help husband away mon to fri they wake each other up what can i do.
Hi Dana-
I’ve used your sleep sense on both my boys….. it worked like a dream on my now 3 yr old. My almost 4 month old is giving me a run for the money! He sleeps through the night 7-5am and usually asleep again till 7am. But no matter what I do, he naps only for 40 min stints! I do the routine, and I don’t run to him when he fusses right away, but he will not nap more than an hour. help!!!
I have been reading all your information. Peyton is 19 months & still wakes up 1-2 times a night. She goes to sleep on her own and very well. When she awakes we changer her diaper and put her right back to bed. None of these solutions seem to fit her so to speak so we can’t imagine WHY she is still getting up. It is just too much at this point. What to do?
We look after our grandson three nights a week — he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. I pick him up and give him a drink and rock him for a few minutes (he is 26 months old). I want to get out of this habit and want to know is it best to leave him in his bed or should I pick him up.
It has taken us a long time to get my 8-month old to get to sleep through the night – in fact, it has taken us 8 months! We have now established 2 long naps a day + a full night sleep. My problem is now that I can’t get him to sleep anywhere else than in his crib… He used to sleep in the stroller, carseat or carrier, but now he won’t. I don’t mind being home for his naps most of the time, but I also have a 3-year-old who would like to go to the park or have special outings every once in a while. I don’t want to be out everyday, but it would be nice to have the option of going out once or twice a week and not have to worry about rushing home an hour later to put him to sleep in his crib. Any thoughts?
Hai,Dana.
Sorry if my english its not good, I’m from indonesia and I know you when I browsing the internet..my baby boy is 1 year old now..when he 6 month old,I think I can solve this problem..he always nurse 3-4 times and he will cry out..I hope it will gone when he grow up,but now he always wake up for nurse 2-3 time, I have been try to stop nursing him but its not work..I’m n my husband very tired to wake up every night to make milk for him.
Question: I have a 8mth old daughter who has always been a fantastic sleeper. But things have gone a bit backwards with her lately. She is now getting up once a night,and the only way i get her to sleep now is to feed her. I am convinced she is using me as a soother and need to ger her out of this habit asap. Please help me. Thanks.
HI at 8 mos. , if your baby is well fed during the day, baby should not need to eat anymore; you may be forming a habit. Especially, if baby was sleeping through before.
At this age, baby is more aware of things so she wakes up and wonders where you are and calls out. You should go in real quick just to check the first 2 or 3 nights, and reposition her if necessary but just pick up if you need to but don’ t carry him! And leave promptly even if she is still crying as long as you know nothing is wrong; than she will settle herself back to sleep on her own which again is a learned skill that she obviously already has so don’t start a habit! Again she’s just more aware now bc of her age so if you want to maintain her sleeping through the night skills let her cry!
Dear Dana,
We have twin daughters,they just turned one 2 weeks ago.They were born premature at 34 weeks.They have their beds in the same room.Up until yesterday they went to sleep in the living room in their rocking chairs and we used to bring them to their beds after a short while.They do wake up in the night maybe because their teething,because sometimes they don’t want even their dummy.Last night we tried to put them to sleep in their beds.We were there with them but they didn’t want to fall asleep although they were tired.Especially one of them cried for almost one hour,with us in their room.Please let us know what do you think and maybe there is a way to make them sleep in their beds.Thank you!Alina
after replacing falling asleep holding my hand with a teddy my daughter had 2 successful nights staying in her own bed and not waking through the night but last night we were back to square one again. She woke and i stayed in the room 10 minutes until she fell asleep and i crept out, then an hour later she woke again but wouldn’t go back to sleep. She was screaming and crying every time i tried to leave her. In the end i sat there until morning as i was determined she wasn’t coming in my bed.
I have tried several things which you have advised and she does it once then back to normal. We recently had a weeks holiday and had to share the same room and i think it has started since coming back. She was never this bad before the holiday. She always asked to come in my bed but i had got her out of it for about 2 months before this.