Click on the ‘Play’ button above to start video!
Hi! I’m Dana Obleman, creator of The Sleep Sense Program. If you’d rather read than watch, I’ve transcribed the text of this video below.
This week’s question is from Nat. She writes:
“My daughter is 20 months old and has never slept through the night. She has been sleeping in our bed, on and off, for a year. My relationship is at the breaking point and our daughter is exhausted. She will only let me get her to sleep with a feeding and then I have to sit by her crib until she falls asleep.
She will then sleep in the crib for a couple of hours but then wakes up and will not stop crying until I take her to bed where she nurses most of the night until around 5:00 a.m. and then she will not go back to sleep after that.
I am exhausted too and I find it hard to function. My marriage is in crisis and I do not know what to do. I really need some advice that can solve this problem before it is too late.”
Your note makes me feel sad for you Nat, and I see these messages a lot. I read it a fair bit in the blog and it really upsets me because I think the bigger problem here is that your marriage is in crisis. I can totally understand that after 20 months of not sleeping well, the strain is there for everyone involved and I agree with you that you need to solve this problem before it is too late.
What would be “too late” is if things totally fall apart and your marriage is ruined because of it. No one starts out a family with the idea that it is going to ruin their relationship. You bring a child into this world to nurture your relationship and to fulfill your life, not to make it worse. So I encourage everyone out there who is on the fence about whether or not to solve their child’s sleep problem to really have a hard look. If you feel anything like this — where you are exhausted and you cannot function or that your marriage is in a crisis — then there is no excuse not to solve things.
The most important thing you can give your children is a well-functioning marriage, and I really feel strongly about that. I just think it is something that has to be addressed. If you are to the point where you are really feeling the strain in your relationship, then it is important to get your husband on board. Sit down and have a conversation about how you really need to get a better night of sleep and that your daughter needs a better night of sleep. Explain that it will make you feel healthier and happier in the long run, and really get him onboard with it.
Now, guessing by what you have written, a lot of the problem here is the nursing-to-sleep association, because of the fact that once she is in bed with you, she nurses almost all night long. So she is basically just using the breast as a pacifier, which does not really let either of you get a good night’s sleep.
So first of all, sit down and get a plan in place. Get your husband on board because there is a lot he can do here to help, especially if nursing is the issue. Having your partner be involved is really helpful because your child knows that they are not going to get nursed from their father so that’s a good person to send in for those night wakings, when you know that your baby is expecting to be nursed.
I am going to suggest that you start at bedtime. Some good news is that she does sleep in her crib initially, so it is not totally foreign to her. Start with your bedtime routine. Examples of good routines are to start with a 10 minute bath, followed by getting into pajamas.
At 20 months, I really do not think she needs to feed right before bed. I would consider pulling the nighttime feed or replacing it with a sippy cup of warm milk because she likely relies on that nursing to get her almost to sleep or to sleep. I would suggest that you just pull it right from her routine.
After maybe a bit of a story time, a few cuddles and kisses good night, right into the crib she goes, awake. You can sit right by the crib and say a key phrase reminding her that it is sleepy time and you can even do a little bit of touching. You do want to be careful that you do not actually lull her to sleep with touching, because you are just replacing one prop with another.
You also want to work your way out of the room eventually as well. Especially at 20 months old, you do not want her to think that you are going to watch her every time she needs to fall asleep. Otherwise you are just going to get up five times a night to go in there and sit down in your chair again. You do want her to get comfortable enough with going to sleep on her own that she is not going to expect you to be there every time she wakes up.
I would suggest that you follow the stay in the room method where you sit right by the crib for three nights. Then you sit for three nights in the middle of the room, then three nights by the door and then you are outside the room. Handle the night waking exactly the same. I know that there is likely a time in the night where she will really dig her heels in and want to come to bed with you. You are going to have to push through that. Take turns with your husband or take nights in shifts, sitting with her by the crib. Keep reminding her that it is sleepy time.
At 20-months-old, for most children their comprehension is high; they might not be able to verbalize much but they definitely understand. Even at bedtime, you can tell her that she is going to sleep all night in her crib that night. Tell her that in the middle of the night when she is awake in there, she is going to stay sleeping in her crib. Explain “This is where you sleep and this is where you are going to stay.” Be supportive, but push through that difficult time in the night with no night feeds.
Again, I think we can agree that at 20 months she does not need to be eating in the night; not even once. It is better to just go cold turkey with the night feeds. It may not feel like it initially, but it is way less confusing if every wake up is just met in the exact same way. Then it is very clear to the child, and there are no surprises or waiting for anything. Every wake up should be the same, until morning. I would not consider morning anything before 6:00 a.m. and when she is up, then say good morning and that you are happy to see her and you take her out of the room for her first feed.
I would even try delaying that, by giving her a breakfast first. Sometimes, a toddler will wake up extra early, just really waiting and expecting that morning nurse. So by delaying it a little, you can encourage her to sleep a little later into the morning and really break that whole association that she has between eating and sleeping.
It is a tough job for me to tell already tired and exhausted people, to now be even more tired and exhausted. I realize that and it requires people to dig really deep into what they have got left. I do hear though, that as long as a person knows that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is easier to get through. Right now, you are just slugging along; every night is the same and you are sort of in this endless tunnel. It is depressing and it is hard to maintain. But if you make some steps you can know that in a week, it is going to be a lot better. You can dig really deep for a week, I’m sure.
That often gives people the motivation they need to stick with this and keep going. And also, remember to celebrate your progress! You might think that in a couple of nights, it is not yet where you want it to be, but it will definitely be better and then you can really celebrate! “Wow, look at how far she has come already in just a couple of days!” and again, that gives tired people the motivation to keep going.
I feel for you and I really encourage you to get started on this so that you are happier and your daughter is happier and more rested. Then you can start making these necessary steps to get your relationship back on track.
Thanks a lot for your question and sleep well.
To learn more about The Sleep Sense Program, click here — or you can click here to order now!
To ask a question about your child’s sleep, just leave it in the ‘Comments’ section below! I’ll choose one and create a new video answer each week!
Hello,
My son Bennett is 2 years old and every night he gives us a hard time about going to sleep. We lay him in his bed, I tell him its nigh night time, and lay him down with his favorite bear and blanket. We usually give him a bath before we get him ready for sleep, or try and let him know that in a little bit its time for sleep. He fights it every time from about 8 o’ clock at night until about 1 in the morning. Im not sure what to do any more, every time he does fall asleep in the middle of the night or in the morning its in our bed, or whenever we get him to sleep in his bed he wakes up at like 3 or 4 and comes right back into our bed. WHAT CAN I DO??
to emma in comment 23, and how do you suppose you would explain to an 18 month old (and so innocent at that) the difference with a good person and a bad person?!
not everyone lives in cosy little nice neigbourhoods, just last month a 12month old was molested by a visiting relative down the road, all because “co-sleeping” was advocated as ok with family members!!!
how do you think a 12 month old can understand whats good or bad touching??
this sort of thing by the way is happening more and more and i hear about it or read about it ALOT, and in 90% of cases the parents share a bed with bubs!
this has nothing to do with common sense, actually scrap that, it has EVERYTHING to do with common sense!! just flick on your radio tv, or newzpaper and let YOUR common sense guide you..
Hi Dana,
I have read the comments and questions here on your blog. One lady commented that some of the people who have bought your program still need and are asking for detailed advice. This makes me question how effective your program would be for me. For example, I’ve read several times about parents children crying long periods of time (e.g. an hour or more). I know for myself that my 8 month old daughter can cry for quite a while and waiting it out, patting, shushing etc. don’t work with her most of the time. Also, maybe you email each person directly, but I am wondering where are the responses to these questions? I guess if you gave all or most of the answers to the questions asked no one who had not already bought your program would need to do so. Well, that’s all.
Sleep Well,
Geraldine
hi dana
im really stressed out i have a 3 year old boy and im finding it so hard to keep him in his own bed,i feel so weak because i just let him get into mt bed of a night because i am so tired.i need to be stonger and not give in to him but it is easier said than done.he will only go without a bottle through the night if he sleeps in my bed.is it cruel to put a baby gate on his bedroom door?im at my witts end i really dont no wot to do
can u help?
danielle
My son is 13 months old. He has never slept through the night. He will only fall asleep if he is in our bed with formula then we put him in his crib. But wakes after a few hours and most of the time ends up in our bed. The nights he stays in his crib(which are very few) he is up every hour or less and we are exhausted!!! We both work full time and he is at daycare during the day. He naps well at home but occasionally at daycare. Could you please help my husband and I get on a routine and get him comfortable to stay in his crib all night. Thank you
please help me, my second child is 6mths now and is constantly whingeing in his sleep all night, he started to do this from about 3mths, i feel i havnt had any sleep for 3mths. He slept through the night before and now i dont no what has happend, he doesnt makr this noise when he is asleep in the day so i cant understand why he does this at night. he keeps the whole house awake and my daughter has to go to school. please help me no one seems to no why he does this? there is no problem getting him to sleep i just put him in his cot and he goes off, sometimes i think i am going to loose my mind
Hi Dana,
I have an issue with my daughter Lily. She is 16 months old and has been sleeping thru the night for months….Then all of the sudden she is being more resistant to go to bed at night where she fusses and she never did before? She goes to be d between 7-7:30, I am wondering if she should still be going to bed at this time or should it be later now that she is a little older????? She also takes only one nap now is this good or should she be taking two???
Thanks Again,
Lynsey
our twin girls were born 28 weeks old, they were in the nic unit for 2.5 and 3 months respectively. One slept well at 3 months old, through the night, the other slept w. my wife 6 months and myself one year. There was enormous strain on the emotional intamacy of our marriage; no time together and unease at how the girls were doing, especially the one in bed with us. Finally my wife imposed a routine of bathing, reading,(no tv) at about 8pm. and over time both girls followed it. Also we gave the girls “big girl beds”(real twin beds) which they took to in big way! It is hard to raise children, expectations are not met, stress results; only the resolve and caring of the partners, along with your good advice, in this case about routines, seems to see us through. Bryan
Forgot to mention that whenever my baby wakes up through the night he just climb up the fence of his crib automatically and stands up for me to pick him up and if i didn’t he screams out loud and never stop.I then take him and place him on a pillow when i start rocking a little bit and patting until he falls asleep and return him back to his crib, sometimes i just take him to bed beside me.This process(from him waking up and then been rocked or patted to fall asleep)sometimes take just few seconds and sometimes last for couple of minutes but i never nursed him to fall back to sleep except after a minimum of 6 hours from his last feeding session.
Please help, iI really need your assistance……
I have a 7 month boy who doesn’t sleep contineously through the night.He wakes up every 45-90 minutes without a need for anything(Not hungry, no colics……nothing as far as I know!).Generally since my child’s birth I haven’t had a good sleep except for the third month, otherwise he haven’t had a stable undisturbed sleeping pattern.And finally for the past month he’s up every now and then without any apparent reason to me, knowing the fact that he doen’t have long naps during the day neither!Please help me solve this problem.The lack of rest and sleep is terribly affecting me. I lose my temper, I couldn’t work and i’m dizzy all day.
Waiting for your valuable advice.
Thank you in advance.
Alya
hi Dana
i can say i have a similar problem with my 7 month old son. To start off with, he falls asleep in his cot, then after 2 hours he wakes up crying until i put him on my breast. I’ve tried letting him cry but he just doesn’t give up. He’s even cried for a full hour! Then once i give up and put him on my breast, its obvious he just uses it as a pacifier till he falls asleep again, i’ll put him in his cot and walk out. Throughout the night, its the same thing every 2 hours and because i’m so tired he ends up in our bed suckling on my breast all night long. Can i please get some help on this as everything i’ve tried simply doesnt work. Just to let you know, i live in a 2 bedroom unit and have an older child so i have his cot in the room with me just in case he wakes her up.
thanks
Giwa
Hi Dana,
I think I have all these ladies beat!. I have a 4 1/2 year old and an 18 month old…and both don’t sleep through the night!! My husband and I have been together since high school and I can tell you that our relationship is on the rocks. It has been a really tough time for us. I struggle every day to have a normal day. I have not had a solid night sleep since the night before my 4 1/2 year old came into this world. I did not mean for this to happen but has and I feel lost, stuck, sad, angry and guilty. I want to change things but don’t have much strength left. My son who is 18 months old has struggled through being sick and that has but a limit on when and if I can get him back to his crib. He has not slept in his crib since he was 7 months old. HELP!!!! My husband said that he is going to start sleeping in the guest bedroom soon. Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Sleepless Katy
Hi Dana, we purchesed your program and have had success with it. Grace sleeps from 7ish pm to 4-5ish am which is good, she has 3 naps a day varying from 45mins to 2.5 hours. When she wakes at say 4.30am we have tried to soothe her back to sleep/lether cry for a while ect but after 1 hour or so decide to give her some boob time. After a short feed she goes back to sleep no worries till 7ish. Should we keep this routine or not. Thanks.
My son is 10 months old and still not sleeping through the night. Allthough I do find some of your advice helpful, I still am confused about what to do when he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. I have tried the wait-it-out method up to about 10-12 minutes, but he still is screaming. I am not comfortable with the cry-it-out method, so I have tried your tips about laying him in his crib awake and patting him, etc. However, I feel stuck because I am trying to get myself to the point where I can eventually leave the room, but in trying that, I get a lot of crying and screaming, and he does not seem to know what to do. Keep the comments coming though.
Good Evening Dana,
I started reading your website earlier this evening in sheer desperation, it was either search for advice on childrens sleep patterns or to find a solictor to start divorce proceedings, we have little girl aged 18 months, i can count on one hand how many times she’s slept through the night in her own cot. I know it is totally our own fault as we have always cuddled her to sleep, i’ve always thought she was waking up thirsty and giving her juice usually three times a night, she has also always had a soother and still has this in her sight throughout the day. Because i work full time i’m ashamed to say i get her in bed with us usually after the second waking at night because i cant cope both physically and mentally with another trip to her room to search for the juice beaker and her soother and her cot bed is so uncomfortable when i try to squeeze in it with her as a useless attempt at getting her to stay in her own bed. After reading some advice you’ve given others i thought i’d try some techniques so i’ve sent my husband to the pub tonight as he will not leave her if she got a little upset and his help to me would be to take her in our bed and cuddle her to sleep leaving me to either sleep in her cot bed or on the sofa. I’m sat typing this with tears dripping onto my keyboard, i’m 28 and cant believe how our lives have changed since she was born we love her dearly but the sleep deprovation is driving a huge wedge between us. My husband has assured me that in an attempt to save our marriage he will stand by my attempts to sort our sleep problems. i’ve managed tonight to do our usual tea, bath, bed with a story routine and after a few tears and no juice she’s fallen asleep with me just stood in the room, i found this dreadful as she sobbed “cuddle please mummy” as much as i wanted to i know that i need to sort this out. Is there anyway you could point me in the right direction i intend purchasing the sleep program asi’m sure it would benefit us as we would like another child but unless things improve drastically i’m afraid that will never happen.
I would forever be in your debt if you could help as it would save our marriage and change our lives
With Love to other exhausted parents
Laura
Hi Dana
I have a 5 month old boy that sleeps a solid 12 hours at night but is a shocking day sleeper.
I tried wrapping him but he gets out of his wraps and starts mucking around, he does have a dummy to go to sleep but constantly pulls it out. I tried patting him and it seems to work but dont want to get into a bad habit with it. I would love to be able to pop him into bed and let him self settle on his own, its getting quite frustraiting as i get nothing done.
Any advice you can give me would be great.
Thanks
Tara
I have an 18 month old girl who can only fall asleep if I am rocking her or in the car seat. Unfortunately, she is no longer in a crib but a mattress on the floor. She usually wakes up at least 2 times during the night and cries or runs to our room. I take her back to her bed where i either rock her or lay down with her (depending on how tired I am to deal with her crying). Since reading a few of your sleep suggestions on your blog I have tried to start the no touching method when I’m laying with her. She fell asleep after 20mins of acrobatics and whining the first night. I tried the same thing at nap time today and she started crying so hard after 20mins that she was gagging and i thought she was going to throw up, so I ended up rocking her to sleep again. It’s very frustrating, especially since my husband needs his sleep because he gets up for work so early in the am. Any suggestions?
Hi Dana,
As with most parents that leave a comment..i’m desperate!!! I purchased your program for my youngest child, now 13 months. Im happy to report that after a lot of hard work he is finally sleeping through the night and taking 2 naps during the day. The problem is that my older son, aged 3 is now waking up 2 to 3 times a night and then up at 5:30. This is like having a small baby all over again. He is potty trained and wakes to go to the bathroom but then won’t go back to sleep unless I lay with him. I finally felt like a human again but now find I am in the same sleep deprived state I was in before. Can you give me any advice to getting my oldest child to sleep through the night like he did before? I’m loosing my mind.
Thank you, Tanya
hello its still me diandra,shazneys mummy.shazney is now 15 months old,i took her to a lot of doctors,gave me a medicine to get her tiered,she did 2 weeks waking up 1 or 2 times but she is waking up again,each 2 hours.i dont know what to do.she sleeps in our hands and than we put her in her bed but after 2 or 3 hours she wakes up crying,we give her water,or also i tried milk than after 15 minutes she fall asleep,again 2 hours and same story.i think i tried everything.thanks a lot,diandra and her daddy errol
Hello Dana,
My baby is 16 months and as Christie (above email) I do not know what to do when she cries when I don’t nurse her to sleep and ends up having a tantrum. To help me with all that I am the weakest person when it comes to leave her crying, I do everything to stop her crying even if I know it is not good for any of us. Can you help please?
My 7 month old son is a very light sleeper and has been since he was born. We have couple main problems. He never slept through the night. He has a bedtime routine but it does not seam to help with his sleep. He almost always needs to be nursed to sleep because he cries terribly for two hours if I refuse to do it. I have not tried to let him cry for more than two hours because after 2 hours of crying he is hungry again. I have tried gentle ways to soothe him like music, patting etc. but none of that works for my son. He screams even more. Also if he does fall asleep by himself (which happens only about once a month) he will wake up an hour or later and not go back to sleep at all if I don’t nurse him. How long do I let him cry? Staying in the room and gentle soothing doesn’t work. He can probably cry for the whole night if I let him. At night he usually wakes up when he hears some noise every 2-3 hours. How do I make him sleep deeper without waking up so easily?
Thank you!
hi
my baby is 10 months old, he doesn’t sleep unles i nurse him.
he wakes up about 4 to 5 times at night. and he doesn’t go back to sleep untill i nurse him.
how i make him go back to sleep without nursing.
Oh… and another thing… the impact on my marriage was so difficult and one of the main motivators to change. My husband and I always had a great relationship but the strain of being chronically fatigued combined with the frustration of not knowing what to do, placed such pressure on an otherwise perfect marriage. I noticed myself blaming him for my everything including my tiredness…. “everything would be fine if he would do more!”. We can now cuddle in bed without being worried about the frequent interuptions and then enjoy our son together in the way the we expected. We call it our Christmas Miracle… which is what is it… he was waking hourly and now, not at all!!!
I just wanted to give everyone my encouragement with their endeavours to solve their children’s sleep problems. I am a psychologist and am in the process of resolving my 8 month old son’s sleep problem. It has been so difficult but definately not as difficult as I expected and definately worth the effort. The hardest part was making the committment to change what I had been doing which in some ways I really enjoyed… this was nursing and rocking my beautiful baby to sleep. Once I had made the decision to change I had to accept that I what I was doing was more to do with my own enjoyment than for his benefit. I was guilty in my action and the basic solution was inaction… I needed to teach myself how not to respond. Yes… this meant that my beautiful baby boy cried and cried and grizzled and cried… sometimes for 50+ mins…. But now he is sleeping from 7 to 7. I’m still working on his daytime catnapping which has been harder to resolve but it is slowly improving and today he had his first 2 hour unasssisted nap since he was a newborn. Please have faith that the sleepsense philosophy does work. I am really confident that it has had no detrimental impact on my son… but rather the reverse… both physically and psychologically!! It is a very difficult thing to do… my most difficult challenge in life so far.
i really do not have sleep problem with either of my two children, Tobi and Bolu, 18months and 6 months respectively. my 18 months used to love night feeds untill i started diluting his feed first to half strength and then almost water alone, he got the msssage and stopped waking up at night.
my 6month old stopped waking for night feed at 4 months! i guess i have a lot to be gratefull for! my children dont sleep in prams, when i was putting them in prams they wake up almost every hour, i discover when they sleep in bed they sleep longer once they are three months old i put them to sleep on bed and ever since i have not been sleep deprived only when they are teething.
Hey Dana..can you please help????
My baby is almost 12months old, and still needs to be ‘distracted’ to sleep. I have to use white noise..(the sound of a hairdrier)..to get him to sleep. Recently, he will wake more than 10times per night, to be given the dummy, or for the sound to be played to him again. Some nights are worse than others, where it will take him almost an hour to get to sleep or sometimes he’l wake in the night and not go back to sleep. Nap times are the same..and if he doesn’t get a sleep then he is crabbit and hard to settle during the day. I feel like I can get nothing done, and I can’t get a proper nights sleep. He used to sleep during the night, but still..getting him to sleep is still another issue. What do I do??????? PLEASE HELP!!!!
I have a problem with some of the “advice” given to Nat. When you have a 20 month old child waking as often as Nat’s does I would assume you would already have tried many different methods to get your child to sleep, perhaps including a bedtime routine, leaving her in the cot awake and gradually leaving the room etc as advised by Dana. But clearly this hasn’t been working. Dana you said to “push through” the difficult time in the night when your daughter will “dig her heels in.” If only it were that easy! Obviously I don’t know for sure but I would imagine digging her heels in would actually involve a lot of distressing crying and screaming. So are you advocating controlled crying? I do realise that if you gave detailed answers here then there would be no need for anyone to purchase the program. Yet some mentioned above that they have bought the program and still need more detailed advice.
And as for the implication that the problems Nat and her husband are having in their relationship have caused their daughter’s sleep problem (see comment 14) is insulting. Many a stable couple, with (previously!) good sleeping habits have produced poor sleepers. It seems that those lucky enough to have children that sleep well assume it is all down to them doing the “right” things, while those with sleeping difficulties are doing it all wrong.
Also, please note many families happily co-sleep enjoying the closeness and security it gives, without fear their child is any more susceptible to being molested!! Show some common sense and realise a good parent such as yourself would teach your child the difference between sharing a bed with grandma and with a “bad person”!
All the best Nat.
Being a mom of four…where two are good sleepers and my last two are not I can totally sympathize with martial problems that your poster was experiencing. I think you gave her some fantastic advice although I don’t know if I totally agree with cutting out all of those night time feedings. I think cutting it down to one…especially the last one before bedtime is so special between a mother and child. I know that there are other things that than can do to make that time special as well the child at 20 months should be able to go atleast 6 hrs without nursing. I want to wish her all the luck and let her know that she’s not alone in those struggles and to just hang in there. Remember to spend time with that dh as well. Taking the special effort to have time with him and get out with just the two of them. Valentines Day fast approaching would be a great time to set up a special night for just the two of them as sort of a accomplishment package for just the tow of them.
We have a just 2yr old son and a 4mth old son. Our 2yr old recently transitioned from a cot to big boy bed and night one to our amazement didn’t come out of his room once and slept well all night till approx. 6:30am as he did in his cot after ALOT of hard work and long nights. That was where the novelty ended. The weeks following that night required us to start off in his room for 10-15mins till seemed fairly settled, then we would slowly retreat to and out the door. Leaving the door ajar seemed to keep him happy enough without him wanting to leave his bed. Now approx. 2-3mths later we find ourselves about to carry him into his room ready for bedtime (still following his bedtime ritual of milk, teeth, quiet play – books or puzzles – no tv) but only to find us getting to the doorway and having him start screaming. We tried the walk back in method without talking and the first 2 nights lasted an little over 1 1/2 hrs and 180 walk-ins resulting in him falling asleep trying to climb out of bed, feet on floor, head on bed!! Since then we have tried staying in the room on a chair till he falls asleep only to find him still upset and awake after up to 2hrs. The last 2 nights my husband and I have given up and Mr 2yr old has crashed within minutes on the couch with us ignoring him sitting at the dining room table as to not encourage this behaviour. Unfortunately with a 4mth old too I’m in and out with him and often awake most of the night trying to re-settle and stretch him out between feeds to encourage him to sleep longer. Because of the sleep issues of our now 2yr old and adding the new baby we have been sleeping in separate rooms for well over 8mths just trying to get what ever sleep we can, me in with the bub and hubby up & down to the toddler, we are at our wits end, it’s taking its toll on our relationship, we having nothing left for each other and don’t know what to do next. Would love some advice. Kellie
Ifeel you so so much because have the same exact problem, or rather problems, with my 16 months old daughter. I hope you can manage and may GOD be with you. I have 3 problems with my daughter. First; she has to fall asleep while nursing. Second; wakes 7 times at night to nurse and if I refuse she screams and screams. Third and most important; her crib is in my room and every time I try to leave the room she wakes up and cries and screams. I am unable even to go the restroom at night because of her very light sleep…..My relatioship with my husband is real bad now and he left our room to be able to get some sleep before work…please help!
Hi Dana,
Thank you for addressing this problem. My daughter will be 3 at the end of Feb. She would take up to 2 hours to go to sleep each night and often not sleeping threw the night. It was affecting my marriage. I’ve been so tired and didn’t know what to do when I found your web site. I have only had the books for a few weeks and found that we were doing everything you recommended but were not following through. My husband often complained that I was not happy and had a short fuse. I have been stating bed time earlier and for the last 3 nights it’s only taken 30 – 45 minutes which has given my husband and I time to be together and relax. I’ve been able to get more sleep and she is rested.
Thanks for everything and I hope it keeps up. I enjoy your emails and always look forward to your advice. You always address topic so close to our lives I’m not sure where my marriage or my sanity would be if I had not found you and the sleep sense program.
i agree with Dana, i think routine is the key without it you are growing confused children that become disfunctional adults, especially if its straining your marriage they come to expect that of their own relationships! i wonder however if Nat is not placing her relatioship with her husband first? after all she was a wife and life compainion to her husband first before the kids came along.. not to say that the child should be any less loved or cherished, i love my husband and our relationship above all and the boys really thrive when they see that and are not confused of their placing in the family, they respect our rules of bed time etc and understand that waking in the night is not acceptable because it interferes with “mummy and daddy sleep” my boys are 2 and a half and 14 months, me and my husbands stability (and good sleep) in many ways rubs off on them, i hope Nat will start a routine soon and put her foot down with the mother in law, the rules shouldn’t change just because she’s not at home as this will confuse her and make her resentful of her parents rules(i have seen this in children as young as 12 months)!! besides you don’t want any children thinking that its ok to sleep in a bed with adults when you consider how many “bad people” there are out there taking advantage to our young’s innocence! Nat: if you and your husband act now and use Dana’s programe you will have a marriage that is blissful and sercure for your child :)
my 4 month old also uses the breast as a pacifier. Her problem stems from having silent reflux – and the constant nursing helps relieve the pain. How do i set up a good sleep routine when she has reflux?
I have to agree with some of the letters above, I have a 6 month old and he wakes up at least 1-2 times a night and I have tried the whole routine and soothing etc.. I am still confused on just how long do you let them cry and weather or not the feeding is actually nec. He is a big boy for his age and he does 95% of the time go into his crib awake or mostly awake. I have bought the program yet I still have a little guy waking up. Please try to break it down as to what to do or how long to do it.
My son who is 7 month’s old is just off and on with his sleep. He will do great for a few nights sleeping for 8 to 10 hours at a time. Then the next night he will be up every three hours crying and the only thing to calm him is to nurse him. My husband goes down first to hold him but that doesn’t always work. I know that I have made the mistake of nursing him to sleep at bed time. I assume he is learning to rely on nursing for sleep. I just wonder why he will do great for stretches of time and then relapse. He has done great for a week now. He will sleep for a minimum of six hours and a maximum of nine hours. I just want to get to the point where I put him down at 7:30 and then don’t have to get him until 6:00 a.m. Is that unreasonable? Thank you for your time and thoughts. Jacquelin
Hi Dana!
I purchased your program and I have to say a BIG thank you for putting it together. It solved my baby’s nap problems and enabled me to be so much more rested.
As for this week’s video – I think it’s really important that you stress to people that they are going to be very tired for the first few days of the program.
My baby slept through the night before I started the program (his problem was 20 minute naps, which is why I purchased the program), and the first day I implemented the program, he cried from 1:30 t 3:30 in the morning, with me patting him and shushing him.
I felt so tired and I thought it would be so much easier to just pick him up and take him to bed with me – I wanted to sleep! I also felt frustrated at my baby and the situation. It was very hard not to give in.
But the rewards have been awesome, and it didn’t take all that long – one week, to be able to teach my baby to fall asleep on his own for his naps and at night.
So it’s great that you tell people that it’s going to be hard and you’re going to want to give in, but to always keep the goal in mind and like you said, to celebrate the small successes.
Thanks again for putting this program together – it’s awesome!
My daughter is 20mths old and has been sleeping in our bed for at least 6mths.She shares a room with her 4yr old sister and if we put her to bed in there she wakes her up screaming.Generally she falls asleep in my arms or by my side in bed.No rocking or feeding but she just wants to be touching me.We tried getting her to sleep in her own bed but my partner works 3 shifts and she wakes him.I dont want her in our bed but she will go to sleep straight away in there and it takes so long and wakes everyone when in her own bed,i cant please everyone!
I understand the advice about staying in the room for 3 nights and gradually moving closer to the door and eventually out of the nursery all together. What I don’t understand is what the parents should do when the baby does wake up (crying, screaming, carrying on). Should the parents soothe the child, let them cry (let them cry for a specific amt of time, etc).
I have been doing the sleep sense program for 3 weeks now but I have run into some issues. My baby is only 4.5 months, but my doctor said that he could start sleeping through the night because he is a very healthy weight and consumes at least 30oz. of milk during the day. We started and it was hard, but we made it through. However, my doctor said that he will still need a feeding really early in the morning. We made our base time for 5am – nothing earlier. It was working fine, but lately he has been waking up between 3:30am and 4:30am and we try our key phrase, give him his lovey, gentle stroke, but he will not go back to sleep. If he is up a 3:30am, we’ll try for an hour, but by 4:30am, it’s almost his feeding time anyway, so we let him have his bottle – keeping him awake. Am I confusing him by letting him still eat in the “night”? I know it’s morning, but he will go back to sleep after his 5am feed. Also, after his 5am feed, he goes back to sleep, but often wakes up quite a bit – screaming – and we are up trying to get him to go back to sleep. If he’s up at 5am for his feed, he’ll sleep until 6am, and wake up screaming so we give him the soother, then he’ll go back down and he’ll wake upat 7am. Finally by 7:30am, we just get him up. Can you help with any of this. I know the soother is a sleep prop and he’s relying on it to go back to sleep, but we have been doing this for 3 weeks now and nothing else is working! Please help!
At 3.30am after waking for the eighth time to persuade our 21 month old daughter back to sleep and then row with my wife over how to do it, I have more than a little emapthy with Nat over how to solve what seems like an insoluable problem. The next day you’re exhuasted, your partner can’t do anthing without making you feel its the most annoying habit since Elmer Fud’s stutter, you feel like you’re on dopamine and life holds about as much joy as a weekend spent watching reruns of Knots Landing. It’s grim.
Having said that I have an inkling of hope. We recently had a break through with bedtime that made my wife and I start to like each other again and removed the the escalating rows. We simply stopped spending hours trying to coax our little girl off to sleep. We go to the bedroom, read her two, three or perhaps four stories, put her in the cot, say goodnight and walk out. I think one detail is critical. I always tell her that I will come back. I do, but she’s more often than not asleep by then. The difference this change in approach made was literally overnight. Can’t say that will happen to everyone, but our baby now understands that bedtime does not involve us relentless patting her back until she drifts off to sleep.
Our problem is waking in the middle of the night and demanding to be comforted. We seemed to have solved this by me taking over middle of the night duties from my wife because I realised after some time she didn’t have the heart, or the energy, to say no. I cracked this by spending one hour in the middle of a particularly difficult night saying gently, ‘go to sleep now,’ over and over again while standing beside the cot. I refused to pick her up and refused to move her to our bed. What’s more I refused to do these things even when my wife was pleading with me to stop the crying. It was, I’ll admit a brutal bit of bedtime cold turkey. But it seems to have worked. Our little girl now wakes less often and is certainly much calmer at night. We still have some way to go, but I am, for the first time in 15 months feeling optimistic and like a human being.
I have the same difficult problem. My (third) son is 20 Months old and wakes up 3-4 times a night to Nurse and has since he’s been born. He is also very intense during the day when I’m not working. My son will scream for hours refusing cups, bottles, food and snacks as he demands to nurse. It is very stressful on my relationship with my spouse. The happy times are getting few and far between. It also doesn’t help that my spouse works 12 hr nights leaving me no support with this issue even on his off nights (that’s another story). My mission this week was to get my son attached to another object. He has become keen to his blanket but has not calmed down during the day or slept through the night. I have noticed that when I place him in his crib to sleep at night the duration of the screaming has become shorter. I experienced this same problem with my middle son only less intense. This time, it has become very stressful on everyone in the home. I’m getting very little sleep (5-6 hrs a night) and can hardly stand it anymore. I’ve talked to my Pediatrician but haven’t received useful advice. We all need some sleep.
I agree with what you have said although I’m only a new mum of a 16 week old baby so lack experience. I do agree that Nat does need to sit down a communicate with her husband the problem that is occurring with their daughter and come up with a plan together and work through the problem together as a team, leaning on each other for support. I also agree with what you are saying about nursing and associating that with sleep as I am having the same difficulty i believe. The daughter needs to find comfort to put herself to sleep and if that mean leaving the child to cry for up to 10 mins with a visit to see her once to reassure that every thing is ok than so bit it as that is what I have to do but it definately becomes difficult during the night as you can’t really leave a baby to cry for long as it wakes up the whole household for everyone to be in a bad mood with short tempers. I can’t really offer advice on this as at 20 months a child should not really be waking up during the night for feeds. Would the so called dream feed help? feed the child before bedtime, then do a little activity then put the child to bed, then 3 hours later feed the child whilst asleep then put her down again so she sleep through the night; that is if she is waking up for food. I guess, I’m really inexperience to offer advice or comment on others but with what you are saying I would act out 100%. As soon as my baby wakes up in the morning she wants feeding even if its an afternoon nap so I love what you are saying by getting the child dressed or something else before feeding so she goes that little longer so disassociating sleep, waking up from sleep with feeding. I support the advice you are offering totally.
Our daughter is 8 months old and we live in a one bedroom apartment so her crib is in our bedroom. She has no set schedule for naps or bedtime at all. We never know when she’ll sleep, sometimes we spend 1-2 hours trying to help her fall asleep.
She is clearly tired near the evening, (her eyes are rolling and she’s fussy…etc.), but she can’t just settle and fall asleep. I usually nurse her 3 or 4 times till I have no more milk and she’s still awake and extremely cranky and then we give her a passifire and try rocking, singing and laying with her and sometimes that works and she asleep and sometimes not.
Once she’s finally asleep and in her crib we have to be sooo quiet or she’ll wake up since she’s an extremely light sleeper and in our bedroom.
Then she typically wakes up about 1or 2 hours later and 4 or more times during the night and needs to be nursed back to sleep all the time.
We would love to find a solution to help her fall asleep solidly for the night and an easier bedtime routine that doesn’t require her to cry for long periods of time. My husband gets up early and needs his sleep, he can’t stand to hear her cry. He doesn’t want to do any “training” that lets her cry.
I would love if you could help us!
p.s. In the video you don’t say anything about how the child will cry and scream. On your site you say you don’t believe in letting them cry, you say you have a better way of doing this. What is it?
I have a 6 month old baby as well as 3 year old and sleep is a mere dream for both my husband and I. We both work full time and are arguing just about everyday about who does the most with the kids and whos turn it is to get up through the night and feed our youngest and get her back to sleep. She will not go back to sleep on her own but wants wrapped up and rocked off – this can take some time. I have suffered with depression since I fell pregnant with my second child and currently taking medication for it. My eldest daughter was fully potty trained but all of a sudden she just refuses to go to the toilet for a poop and often holds herself and ends up in severe pain. I have been to the doctors and they have prescribed Movicol and said just to encourage her to go to the toilet but she screams like I am trying to kill her if I so much as mention going to the bathroom and if I try to sit her on it all hell breaks loose. Everyone in the family keep telling me to sort this out before she makes herself ill and that she can’t be going out in a nappy as she is too old but I don’t know what else to do I am at my wits end. I have screamed and walked out on my husband twice in the past 6 months, we have been together nearly 8 years and I have never felt this low. We love each other so much but 2 kids, a full time job and lack of sleep is really taking its toll on us I don’t know how much more our marriage can take. Please help.
I agree with routine, it has been our saving grace when it comes to traveling, visitors, some day time disturbances and more. However good my daughters initial put down is, I’m still having problems with getting her to stay asleep for longer then 2 hours and she is now over 7 months old. I’m in the cycle of nursing her after we first put her down to sleep. I’m not sure how many time she needs to nurse at night.. I hear one.. I hear None I hear that if she going threw a growth spurt. It’s all very confusing. She has been in our Bed room from Day one.. but in her crib. Sleeping gets very frustrating when I know my husband need the sleep for work the next day and I haven’t had a full night sleep since she was born. I will say that my husband has said he is supportive of anything that will get me more sleep and in the end him and my son too.
Hi Dana,
I really like how you give advice to people who are in deep pain where they just don’t know what to do and how to fix their problems. but yes I really like the way you explain and i did that and it seems like helping and i am glad that you are showing people that this kind of problem is our created problem and can be fixed actually just by changing few things and really be consistent, what ever you do.
THANK YOU FOR GIVING US ADVICE. I AM SURE EVERYONE OF US APPRECIATE THAT.
MANTO
I have an 8 and half month old who has always had sleep problems. We have made progress however and at one point she was sleeping right through from 7 – 6:30, this has recently changed however and she will now sleep from 7pm till about 2am if I give her a dream feed at about 10.30pm. The problem is that she is learning to crawl and tries to do the same thing in her sleep, this wakes her up and she just screams and screams. If we leave her she will eventually drop back off to sleep but never seems to go into a deep sleep and will then wake up every 30 – 45mins and cry for 10 – 15 mins until about 5:45am when she wants to be up, any help would be great as I am returning to work really soon and cant have nights like this forever!
I have a 23 month old who has always been a good sleeper (unlike my older child) until recently. We had guests stay with us diring the holidays and I thik that threw his schedule off a little, or he finally realized there there are fun things going on after he is in bed. He will not go to sleep at bedtime, and this has never been a problem before. I mean, screaming like he is being killed, screaming and crying so long and hard that his voice is hoarse and his eyes are puffy. I have had to rock him to sleep for the past four nights in a row (which I have never had to do before) .
I have a 13 month old boy who does sleep in his room all night. But there are two problems. The first problem is my mother in law baby sits him over night sometimes due to my work schedule and she will always put him in bed with her and give him a bottle. The second problem is since he has been able to hold a bottle by himself, I have made the most common mistake of giving it to him in the night. He will wake up 4 to 6 times a night and each time i will go get him a bottle of juice and give it to him and leave. Usually he will go right back to sleep, but then he will wake up more and more. I have tried staying in bed when he wakes up listening to him to see if he will self sooth a little and he does but it only lasts for a few minutes and he is wide awake again. My husband will sometimes get up and go deal with him but with the baby yelling on the monitor, neither one of us get much sleep at all and me and my husband’s fights get more intesnified by the day. Can you give me some advice on how to prevent these wakings in the middle of the night?